Couples Therapy

You’re smart, emotionally intelligent people who are fully capable of solving problems in other areas of life but for some reason can’t crack the code on why you get struck with each other.  Almost every single couple that comes to me says they have a “communication problem” and almost every single one of these partners is actually a pretty good communicator outside of their relationship. Let me say this LOUD and CLEAR: you don’t have a communication problem. You have a connection problem (AKA attachment).

I work with couples who are tired of having the same argument over and over again.

Obviously every relationship is unique and has its own flavor, ways of doing things, needs etc. However, there are some patterns that most relationships have in common and they have to do with the fundamental attachment needs we all have in a significant relationship. Often, those needs are most heightened in a romantic relationship. Even though there is part of us that knows that it's not life and death if our partner is misunderstanding us, suddenly when we start getting into conflict it feels like being chased by a tiger: our threat system turns on (fight/flight/freeze), we get tunnel vision, maybe our mind goes blank or we feel like if we don’t resolve this right now we’ll explode and then we don’t recognize ourselves (or our partner) anymore. This isn’t because you’re a bad communicator, it’s because a deep attachment need feels threatened (and for a species whose survival has relied on forming close attachments, that’s coded as life or death).

I say this over and over and over again:

“It is about the thing but it's also not about the thing.”

For example, when you’re fighting about the dishes (or whatever your most repeated fight is about) it is about the dishes but it’s also not about the dishes. 

It's really about:

• Do I feel like I matter to you?

• Is my time valued?

• Can I rely on you when things get scary?

• Will I be acceptable to you?

• Am I lovable?

This is why you can practice “good communication skills” day in and day out and it may not actually make a big difference. In in order for anything to change, we have to get to the heart of the issue.

Are we a good fit?

I do my best work with couples who are committed to one another but struggling to connect. They are looking for real emotional intimacy and partnership. Maybe they had it once and it went away or maybe they are reaching a point in their relationship where they want something deeper than they’ve ever had.

Most of my couples find me when

• They notice that the moments they’re missing each other are starting to outweigh the moments they connect 

• They find themselves having the same argument over and over again and not feeling like they get anywhere

• Sometimes it feels like they’re literally speaking a different language

• They’re smart people who are able to problem solve pretty well in other areas of life but get stuck with their partner

• They know they’ve got something good here but these days its not always feeling very good

• They’re longing for some relief from the tension in their relationship–to get to enjoy one another again

What is couples therapy like?

We aren’t going to half-ass things here. Because what’s showing up in your current relationship isn’t just about your current partner–its a cumulation of all your significant relationship experiences in your life and the hurts you carry from them (whether you recognize them or not). What you’re doing with your partner makes sense when we put it into context—even though it’s not working so well.

In our first 4 sessions together: I gather relevant history about your relationship together, I spend individual time with each partner to get a download of their attachment history and we start mapping out their patterns and dynamics.

What are we looking for? The ways that you are trying to get connection with one another that repeatedly backfire, why they backfire, and how to actually meet those needs better. 

Once we track that together and fill in some of the gaps, we’ll practice a new and more effective way of encountering one another in session until you can do it on your own. You will learn what it feels like when you’re falling into one of those old patterns and how to move through it to actually get the connection you’re looking for.

What this will require of you: 

• Genuine desire to tend to your relationship and care for your partner

• Openness to looking at your side of the street–how am I contributing to this dynamic between us?

• Willingness to connect to your own feelings and validate your partner’s (you don't have to know how to do this yet, I’m here to help!)

• Trying something new and taking relational risks with your partner (AKA being vulnerable)

If this sounds good but overwhelming, I’ve got you.

Most people do not have good models for what it takes to create and sustain emotional intimacy in a relationship, we just aren’t taught this stuff. We saw our parents fight and never repair or they were so wrapped up in work and parenting that they didn’t have anything left for one another or the mental load was so imbalanced that they became bogged down in resentment.

Most of the relationships I work with have so much goodness in them, they just can’t seem to get to the other side of these stuck places on their own. And of course they can’t–it’s hard to see the painting when you’re in it. That’s where I come in–I can hold the whole picture and coach you through how to do it differently.

Here's the coolest thing about this work. When you start to practice new interactions with your partner, you actually have the opportunity to heal the wounds from your past–and there’s nothing more intimate and connecting than that. 

If you’re tired of feeling stuck with your partner and ready to have the fulfilling relationship you’ve been longing for, set up a free consult call with me to get started.

Other Frequently Asked Questions

When is the right time to go to couples therapy?

Here is my therapist-y non-answer: there is no perfect time to go to couples therapy. But, if you’re starting to wonder if you need it, it’s probably been time.

How do I ask my partner to go to couples therapy? 

You say:

“Hey honey/babe/sweetie pie, I care so much about you and our relationship so much. I notice sometimes that even though we are both trying our best to connect with each other, we miss each other and that hurts both of us. In the interest of making sure our relationship stays strong, I’d like to propose we get some support from a couples therapist. Would you be open to that?”

In your own words of course!

What if I want to do couples therapy but my partner doesn’t?

That’s a tricky (and common) scenario. 

Step 1: seek to understand why without agenda, judgement, blame or defensiveness. Listen with curiosity instead of listening to form your rebuttal.

Step 2: if they’re open to it, share more info with them about the process. Couples therapy is still a mystery to most people or a scary indicator that the relationship is doomed. 

Step 3: share with them why it’s so important to you. Reiterate that this is in the interest of caring for the relationship not ending it.

Step 4: ask them for their input on what they think might help the relationship

Step 5: set up a consult call with me or another therapist so they can ask any questions they have about the process

Ultimately, you can’t force anyone to do therapy. If they really aren’t open to it, you can start therapy on your own if you haven’t already to sort through some of the ways you contribute to the relational dynamic. You and I can start that together but when the time comes for couples therapy, I’ll help you find someone who isn’t me to work with you as a couple. 

Can we do couples therapy if we aren’t married? 

Of course! You don’t have to be married to do couples therapy. I work with couples in all stages of their relationship. 

Can we meet from separate places?

YES. Coordinating schedules can be difficult. One way that telehealth couples therapy makes this easier is that you don’t both have to be in the same place when we meet.

What kind of couples therapy do you do?

I practice Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy which is rooted in attachment science and is a gold-standard evidenced based treatment for couples. It’s not a quick fix but research shows that it is one of the best approaches for creating lasting change in relationships. 

Learn more about EFCT here.

More questions? Contact me to set up a free 30 min phone consult by emailing me at tina@thresholds-therapy.com or filling out my contact form.