This post is dedicated to all the people who consider getting support but then tell themselves: “But it is (or was) not that bad.”
Do you find yourself thinking about an event or experience that impacted you and still having some hard feelings about it, but then you tell yourself it wasn’t that bad so you should move on? Here is what’s going on and why you should do something about it.
The thought process might go something like this:
“Well that happened a long time ago and it wasn’t that big of a deal…”
“That’s happened to other people and they seem to be fine…”
“It doesn’t make sense to have these feelings about it, I should be fine…”
“It is such a small thing and it wasn’t even that bad, why am I even still thinking about it??”
“I don’t have time to worry about this right now I’ll just get over it.”
“Everything is mostly good, I should be happy and grateful.”
“Its certainly not a big enough deal to go to therapy for!”
Then you ignore the feelings or put them aside and move along with your day or even your life until the next time you think about it and the thought process starts over.
To make it more tangible, here are some examples of things I’ve heard people invalidating:
“I’ve never had a real eating disorder, but I feel like I think about food all the time and I hate my body.”
“I had a pretty good family life but I always kind of felt like I didn’t belong or like I was too much.”
“I don’t think I have an anxiety disorder but sometimes my thoughts race and I can’t get them to slow down.”
“I’ve never been assaulted but this one time in college something weird kind of happened with my date that I didn’t feel great about.”
“I had this break up like 5 years ago and I still feel really angry when I think about how the relationship ended and I wish I could tell them.”
“Whenever I was sad, my parents told me to just be grateful. Now when I feel sad I get so down on myself for not being grateful enough.”
“I love and trust my partner but on some level I feel this constant fear that they’ll just up and leave.”
“I feel like I have to make sure people are okay and happy all the time or I worry that they hate me. I never say what I actually think or feel to them.”
“If I don’t do things perfectly at work, I internally berate myself for the rest of the day and I cringe whenever I think about it.”
“My relationship with my partner is mostly good but sometimes I feel like we are speaking two different languages and there’s no way we’ll see eye to eye”
“Whenever things feel good in my life I get this nagging feeling that something terrible will happen if I get too comfortable.”
“Its been years since my ______ died but I’m still not over it.”
Always ending with some version of “but its not that bad…”
Whatever language you use to do it, this is a classic cycle of invalidating our own feelings. It’s likely only one of the many ways you invalidate your feelings. I say this not to make you feel worse about it, but to bring it to attention because these are the types of patterns that keep us stuck–stuck in old ways of thinking and behaving that end up doing more harm than good.
Is there something wrong with me?
Let’s talk about a few things that are going on here.
This is a learned pattern. You may struggle with it more or less than the next person but I promise that you are not the only one that is talking yourself out of your feelings. This is a process of invalidation that is taught by and reinforced by our patriarchal and capitalist society. Without getting too in the weeds here, traditionally patriarchy tends to value “masculine” ways of being (read: logical and rational) over “feminine” ways of being (read: emotional). I’m not saying this is correct, one is not better than another and there is certainly nothing inherently masculine or feminine about those traits. But it is one of the main reasons why we learn to try and “logic” our way out of feeling what we’re feeling. And of course, capitalism values money over everything (read: you are worth what you can produce). Capitalism tells us that if your emotions aren’t helping you produce then they are not valuable. We all have these systems ingrained in us from birth and if you hold a marginalized identity, it is likely that you have been more impacted by them.
Don’t Overthink it
Ok next, let’s tackle the “it is/was not that bad so I should just be fine or be over it.” The thing is, you’re not. It’s as simple as that. You are still thinking about it therefore it is still important. If you are reading this and relating to it, then it’s still bothering you. Whether or not you think it should be bothering you is irrelevant. It clearly is and so it’s time to do something about it.
Why does it matter if you do something about it?
Can’t you just keep going on the way you have been? Sure you can. But, have you noticed that you aren’t really feeling better? Or you’re using quite a bit of energy and brain space to manage whatever it is that you’re invalidating yourself for just to make it through your day? Are you finding yourself being reactive in your relationships and then wondering what the heck just happened? If that is the case, then something isn’t really working.
The therapy world and pop psychology talks a lot about trauma, sometimes differentiated by big T “Trauma” (the big life-changing catastrophic events) and little t “trauma” (the smaller but still difficult daily occurrences). In some cases trauma has become a buzzword. What it comes down to is that when we don’t work through difficult experiences, whatever size they are, we get stuck until we do. When we ignore painful feelings and experiences they often end up taking up even more space.
For example, the person who never felt fully accepted in their family of origin is going to have a very difficult time accepting themselves until they process the hurt caused by feeling like an outsider in their own family. The person who “doesn’t have an eating disorder per say” is going to have food and body thoughts permeate their life and relationships until they can address them. The person who struggles with perfectionism is going to have a really difficult time caring for themselves despite their imperfections. Likely, all of these people are going to struggle to be emotionally accessible in their relationships until they process these hurts.
How can Therapy help?
Therapy is a place to explore and move through these difficult experiences in a non-judgemental space. In therapy, I can support you until you learn to validate your feelings for yourself. We can explore the stories you have been telling yourself about your life experiences and see if they still fit your experience or if its time for a new one. You can learn new ways of coping with difficult feelings and try out new skills in an emotionally secure environment. All of these things can shift the amount of space these experiences take up in your life and help you finally feel like they are “right sized”-- not being minimized or letting them overshadow everything else.
Here is the bottom line: you DESERVE support and care and tending to. Full stop. Show yourself you matter by putting the time and energy into your own healing and stop saying “but it’s not that bad.”
If you’re ready to get started (or you want to ask ME if your problems are bad enough for therapy) schedule your free consult call today.
Photo by Paola Aguilar on Unsplash