As a therapist and just a normal person in my day to day, I understand how difficult it is to care for ourselves well in the current state of the world. There are so many demands for our time, attention, and energy and it feels harder than ever to prioritize self-care...and yet that also means it's all the more important to prioritize self-care. It's a tricky bind! We hear over and over again that self-care is important and we sometimes end up feeling like it's another thing we’re doing wrong or aren’t good enough at.
Here’s the thing: while there is a lot of talk out there about what self-care is and is not, there is something major getting overlooked. How we think and feel about self-care has a huge impact on how effective our self-care is.
There are a lot of ideas out there about what types of activities someone could do for self-care: take a walk, journal, spend time with friends, get a massage, listen to music, meditate, stretch, play etc. While all of these are great activities that can be really nourishing, I think it is really important to first zoom out and create the right mindset for self-care. If you don’t do this, it's like the equivalent of putting a bandaid on a broken leg and wondering why it's not healing. If you are doing everything you can to do self-care “right” but it still feels like something isn’t working, there may be a problem with your self care mindset.
5 Essential Mindset Shifts Needed to Improve Your Self-Care:
Self-care is not just luxury experiences: pop culture has broadly identified self-care as spa days and leisure. While doing things that feel good is certainly important and necessary, it is only one aspect of providing care for yourself. All the bubble baths in the world won't cure burnout if you are continuously overworking yourself.
Self-care must be preventative: oftentimes, people don't start thinking about doing self-care until they are far into the stages of burnout. Our culture sets us up to believe that we only deserve care when we are unwell. However, by shifting our thinking from being reactive to being proactive, we can better sustain our lives. Think about creating long-term habits that support self-care rather than "one-off" experiences.
Self-care is not always effortless: sometimes good self-care takes some pre-planning. Many people shy away from self-care activities that aren't effortless for two reasons: 1) they have been led to believe that self-care should be effortless and if an activity takes effort then it doesn't count as self-care 2) by the time they choose to care for themselves, they are too burnt out and don't have the energy to do anything that takes some effort.
Self-care is not always fun: this goes along with the previous statement but takes it a step further. When you are really looking at the things you need in place in your life to make it sustainable and stop getting burnt out all the time, it might mean that you have to do some hard things that don't feel very good in the moment. For example, it might feel very uncomfortable to set boundaries with a friend who demands a lot of your time and energy, however in the long-run it will create a healthier dynamic. This allows you to show up authentically and have a more fulfilling relationship.
Think critically about what beliefs you need to "unlearn" in order to care for yourself well: We are socialized to focus on productivity and to link our productivity with our self-worth. This is a huge barrier to self-care because we end up feeling more stressed and guilty for breaking this "societal rule." In order to truly care for ourselves we have to consider what our true values around self-care are and work against the cultural narrative that we must be productive 100% of our time.
Self-Care Journal Prompts
Whether you are struggling with doing self-care altogether or you are trying to do self-care activities but they don’t seem effective, consider taking a deeper dive into what you actually believe about caring for yourself.
When you think of self-care, what images come to mind?
What do you notice in your body? (sensation, tension, release, energy, etc)
Do any emotions arise?
What thoughts do you start having?
Just notice what comes up, don’t try to change it or fix it.
What thoughts do you have when you see someone else engaging in self care?
What thoughts do you have about yourself when you try to engage in self-care?
Anything you notice in your body? (sensation, tension, release, energy, etc..)
Just notice what comes up, don’t try to change it or fix it.
Are any of these thoughts familiar?
Where else have you heard them?
Do they remind you of anything, anyone, or any past experiences?
What did you learn from your family, culture, environment about self-care? Did you see anyone engaging in self-care?
Write down any beliefs you notice arising.
Here are some common ones:
“I don’t deserve it or I’m not good enough to care for myself.”
“I only deserve it if I work on xyz first or meet this elusive arbitrary goal.”
“I don’t have time.”
“I can’t afford self-care.”
“If I stop to take a break, all of the things or people that rely on me will crumble.”
“Caring for myself is selfish.”
“I feel guilty when I focus on myself.”
Take Your Self-Care to the Next Level
Sometimes what we want to believe and what we end up doing are really different things. When this happens, it's an invitation to explore what may be going on under the surface. If you’ve found that you actually have some lingering beliefs that are harming your self-care mindset but you’re getting stuck, it might be an indicator that something needs healing before you can move forward. If you’re ready to make some changes, you’re in the right place!
I specialize in helping clients learn how to give themselves the care they really need and address all the things that get in the way. If you’re ready to get started, reach out to me here.
Photo by Maddi Bazzocco on Unsplash.